Tips for Bereaved Families
by Vicki Scalzitti, Grief at School Outreach Program, Rainbow Hospice

As a person who works with bereaved children, I regularly talk with children who are grieving the death of grandparents, and increasingly, great-grandparents. They share stories about the importance of these enriching relationships. Children miss the warmth, patience, and unhurried attention that older relatives so lovingly provide. Older people take time for children - a great gift in today’s hurry-up society. In addition to the grandparents who have the luxury of spending special time with their grandkids, many grandparents today are co-parenting their grandchildren or providing for their day-to-day care while parents work. Children need the depth and wisdom that folks one generation (or more) removed from them can bring to their lives. When these significant people die, children need the chance to say their goodbyes.

Sometimes it seems easier to leave children out of farewell rituals. Wakes and funerals are long and tiring. For adults in mourning, having to make all the arrangements, greet all the visitors, and find the time to say their own goodbye can be stressful. Realistically, can they also be expected to take care of the children - especially little ones? Do children belong at wakes, funerals, memorial services? Do they understand? Could they be traumatized by such a close encounter with the physical reality of death?

For almost every child, the benefits of saying goodbye and being included in the farewell ritual are great and far outweigh our concerns. The following suggestions may be of help when planning how to include children in this very important family event.

If at all possible, let children see the person who has died. This can happen at home (if the person died there), at the hospital, at the funeral home (a private viewing by special arrangements with the funeral director), or at the wake/funeral. Explain to children where they will see the person and how the person is different, i.e. he isn’t breathing anymore, he can’t hear you or talk to you anymore, she can’t move now, etc. Use the correct language - "Grandpa has died" or "Grandma is dead": never use euphemisms such as "has gone to sleep" or "We lost Nana." While we often agonize over whether or not the person “looks like him/herself,” most children tell us the person looked fine or okay. If children have questions about changes in the person’s appearance, answer them with enough information to be accurate. Too much information is not helpful. Let children view the person from the distance that is comfortable to them. Allow children to touch or talk to the person who has died, but do not prompt them or insist that they do.

Children who are old enough may be included in funeral arrangements. Even very young children can choose the kind of flowers they would like to give and may bring the flowers with them. Older children can do readings or assist with music selections. Many children write a letter, draw a picture, or choose a keepsake to put into the casket.

Prepare children for what they will encounter at each step of the farewell ritual. Explain what the funeral home, church, and/or cemetery look like. Explain and name significant elements such as casket, hearse, or grave. Include an explanation of how people may behave and help children to understand that the tears of the adults around them are okay and nothing to be afraid of. When they know what to expect, children will not be overwhelmed.

Choose a close friend, family member, or babysitter to accompany the children throughout the wake and funeral. This person can see to it that children are fed, supervised , and attended to. He or she can take children to a park, a restaurant, or home. Sometimes children must leave a wake early in order to get a good night’s sleep or simply because the day becomes too long for them. The person acting as the child’s advocate will also answer their questions and be aware of the child’s emotional state when parents are busy with the demands of the day. While interaction between parents and their children is an important part of the wake and funeral, the attention to the children that the advocate provides will assure parents that their children are not "lost", physically or emotionally.

Grief often looks very different in children than it does in adults. While some children may be tearful and appear sad, many more tend to play and socialize their way through the farewell ritual. Many children have called the wake, "That big party we had for Grandpa." Children really connect with the gathering aspect of these events and they can lead the way when it comes to celebrating a life. They often recount the wonderful things said about the person who has died and talk about all the people who came to the funeral. Children will remember having been part of the important goodbye and are affirmed by participating in it. With thoughtful preparation, we can safely and meaningfully include children in our farewell rituals. There may be no greater opportunity to share with them what it means to be family.